


I can't lose him

by Hugsfree-hugme (Noheawilstro808)



Series: AK Codas and Oneshots [3]
Category: Animal Kingdom (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Brotherly Love, Coda for 4x11, M/M, swearing and cussing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-07
Updated: 2019-08-07
Packaged: 2020-08-11 12:47:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20153830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Noheawilstro808/pseuds/Hugsfree-hugme
Summary: Deran needs his brother to understand just how important Adrian is to him. So he can understand why he needs to do this. Why he needs to protect him and leave everything behind.~*~*~*~Coda for 4x11





	1. I can't lose him

**Author's Note:**

> Coda for Episode 4x11. Definitely wish the Episode has at least one or two more scenes with Deran and Adrian but hey that is why we have Fanfiction. This first part wasn't originally plan but with the way Craig and Deran was, I feel like they needed this kind of scene.

After they were finished setting up for the job tomorrow Craig is able to talk Deran into sitting down at the beach with him. After letting him know about the passports, Craig couldn’t stop glancing over at him the rest of the afternoon and he knew something else was going on. He barely spoke, could hardly meet anyone's eyes. Just did what he was supposed to do until he was able to leave. Now as Craig sits on one of the picnic tables, he watches Deran’s back as he looks out at the water. 

“What do you want Craig?” Deran asks, still turned away. His voice raspy in a way that it does when he is trying to close himself off. Craig sighs out as he leans his body forward, his elbows to his knees. 

“Just tell me why and don’t give me some bullshit lie about it only being a couple weeks. We both know that is not true, you wouldn’t look like you do if that was the truth. So just tell me...Why are you leaving?”

“I already told you, Adrian got into some trouble.”

“Yeah I know but I still don't understand why you are leaving. Adrian never should have gotten involved with Jack but he did this to him-” he starts.

Deran spins around and spits out “Shut up” at him, pointing his finger at him. Daring him to finish that sentence. 

“Excuse me? You wanna tell me that again after you begged me this morning for help but once again Deran you aren’t telling me anything, you don’t trust me but you want me to help you.” 

“What does it matter? The less you know the better right?” Deran says as he paces back and forth, biting at his fingers. Craig still stands there, trying to make eye contact with his younger brother. 

“So that’s it? You are just gonna run away and never come back?” Craig asks. He has never seen Deran this worked up before. He doesn’t know how deep trouble Adrian is in and why Deran looks like it’s his trouble instead. Craig can’t really believe he would just up and leave for Adrian but Deran hasn’t really been himself these past few days, checking out early, spitting shots at everyone, closed off from everyone and just bitter as hell lately. As he comes to find that it is all because Adrian is in trouble and yet he is the one that is leaving? He really needs Deran to say something but all he sees is Deran still just pacing back and forth, silent and tense.

“Deran?” He continues but still he gets nothing. He snaps and slams his hand down next to him. “DAMN IT DERAN ANSWER ME” 

“I CAN’T FUCKING LOSE HIM ALRIGHT” Deran yells out before looking around to make sure no one was looking at them. 

“Why? Why is he so important to go through this much for him?” Craig replies.  
“You couldn’t even admit you were screwing the guy 3 years ago and now you ditching us to run away with him?”

Deran scoffs at him as he finally stands still to face his old brother. “How is that any different from you, you didn’t even know if the kid was yours until a couple of days ago. So what you can love someone just like that but I can’t” 

Craig stands up to step into Deran. He can’t believe Deran would be stupid enough to even make the comparison. “Of course it is different, he’s my son.”

“And Adrian has been with me practically all my life. Fuck Craig this isn’t just some stranger alright, this is…. It has always been Adrian.” Deran ends the last part in defeat. He doubts Craig will ever understand the ounce of love and loyalty Deran has for Adrian. Craig is the perfect example of the loyalty Smurf wants her boys to have but in the most innocent way. Craig can’t see that loyalty outside of bloodlines, it doesn’t even register to him and he can’t see how wrong that is. Deran will never have what Craig has with Renn right now. He doubts kids were ever going to be in his and Adrian’s future so he doubts he can understand what Craig is going through but it doesn’t make what he is going through with Adrian invalid either because Adrian wasn’t family by blood. He doesn’t know if his older brother will ever understand that. He wants to believe he could though. 

“He made a deal for flipping on Jack and it was supposed to be legit but now he is looking at 15 years because they are asking about me, about Smurf and he won’t tell them anything. 15 years Craig for protecting me.” Deran points out, desperation starting to drip from his voice. He pulls at his hair as he takes a second to breathe then turns back to him. “But now it’s worse. It is so much worse and I don’t know what else to do.” Deran drops down next to him and puts his head in his hands. 

“What could possibly be that much worse that you have to leave the country?” Craig ask and Deran looks up at him with the big eyes, practically begging Craig to understand and he hates that he feels like he is missing it. “What?” He asks, begging Deran to tell him. 

“Look, Adrian, he has made some stupid mistakes. This is probably the biggest mistake he has ever made but he doesn’t deserve this. He doesn’t deserve to go to prison, especially because of us. Pearce is gunning for him because he wants us, he wants Smurf because of all we done but Adrian won’t make the deal. He is telling them to charge him. What does that sound like to you?” 

Craig doesn’t say anything but he nods his head. He sees where Deran is going with this. He asks Deran earlier if they had anything to worry about. It looks like he is getting his answer. Deran turns to him and puts his hand on his shoulder.  
“I am happy for you. If you want to do this big happy family thing with Renn and raise that big ass baby of yours, I am not stopping you. You are my brother, I want you to be happy. But my family, Adrian, it is falling apart. I need to protect him. I need him safe from prison and from-“ he stops himself from admitting its smurf. He doesn’t want to do that to Craig. He loves Smurf and still believes in her in a way Deran can’t. “It’s not safe for him here anymore. I need to get him out of here, I need him safe, I just need” 

Once again the words get stuck in his throat and he looks away.

“You need him.” Craig finishes, just like it is simple as that. Deran looks at his big brother and nods his head. Deran always has a hard time admitting things that needs to be said. Any confession that holds a heavy truth, things that show just deep down how he is feeling. Craig has always been able to read him though, see right through him like glass and while before it always made him unsettled, right now he could really use it. 

“Der” Craig whispers and Deran turns away to let out a shaky breath. 

“I get it already. I get it if you can’t understand but this is what I gotta do.”

“You are right. I don’t understand. I don’t think I can ever fully leave Oceanside but if any of us could ever leave and make it, it has always been you. You have been the strongest to make it out on their own. Just..” Craig turns his head but Deran caught the glint of light in his eyes before he turns away. Deran wants to cry himself but he knows this is what he has to do. There is no other way. 

“Just be careful out there alright.” Craig whispers at the ocean before turning to Deran again. 

Deran nods his head and clears his throat, having to look away himself. Craig puts his hand on Deran’s shoulder and gives it a comforting shake as both brothers look back out to the water. The sun setting at the ocean line.


	2. How can you forgive after this?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deran and Adrian need to have a talk. What better way then to do it in the dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Told you part two would be up soon. I am surprised with how fast this got up. I hope I am not getting to OOC with this.

When Deran pulls up to the house he sees the house was pitch black and wonders if Adrian was home. He knows he shouldn’t have walked out like he did but it was the first time he let out even an ounce of what he is feeling. He was just so desperate for Adrian to hear what he was saying, that this was so much more than just prison. He was so desperate for Adrian to believe what everyone says about Smurf is true.

He has been running around all day for this stupid job that smurf wants them to do, plus trying to get everything set so they could leave as soon as possible. It was the only thing he could think of. They have to leave oceanside. 

As he opens the gate leading down to their door he raises his eyebrows in confusion as he sees a surfboard ripped apart, followed by another, and another. His fears grows as he walks faster to get inside. 

“Adrian?” He calls out as he opens the door. All the lights are off, so Deran finds the nearest lamp. He finds trophies on the floor looking like they have been thrown down and beaten with a bat, even the one Adrian just won. He hears movement in the bathroom and it was just a reflex to grab his gun from its hidden spot and quietly makes his way towards the source of noise. He walks through the doorframe to find Adrian sitting there in the dark, fully clothed in the shower, the water was off and he was completely dry but the shower door was closed as he sits with his back to the wall, his knees to his chest and his head hidden from the world

Adrian lifts head up though when he entered the room, his eyes wide and red rimmed but also, they look dead, numb almost.

“Adr-” He starts taking a step closer. Adrian tries to hide a whimper as he plasters himself up against the wall as much as he can. It was then Deran notices he still has his gun in his hand. He curses himself as he puts his gun back and walks slowly to Adrian. Adrian sinks back down and lays his head back on his arms as Deran opens the shower doors to let himself in. 

“Adrian, what happen out there? All the boards….. Was anybody here?” He quietly ask him as he kneels down in front of the taller boy. 

Adrian looks back up at him and shakes his head. “No I just never want to see another surfboard again.”

He keeps his head up but he doesn’t look at Deran, he looks past him. An awkward silence settles between them that makes Deran start bouncing on his toes.

“I umm I am sorry that I yelled at you earlier but I have a plan I have to wait till tomorrow but-” Deran starts but Adrian cuts him off. Deran feels a spark in the air as Adrian speaks out. 

“What are you talking about? There is no plan. I either go to prison where I will probably die or Smurf will kill me one way or another.”

“I won’t let her do that.” Deran sneers out at the mention on his mother.

“You can’t promise that or you wouldn’t have acted like you did earlier.” Adrian moves to his knees as he points to his chest and annoucates each word. “I. AM. GOING. TO. DIE”

“NO ADRIAN, do you hear me? I am not going to let you die.” Deran shouts as he grabs on to Adrian’s arms and shakes him. Adrian starts crying as he tries to push himself away.

“Why are you doing this Deran?” He cries out as he tries one last push. 

“Why the fuck do you think?” Deran tells him as he grabs the back of Adrian’s hair and makes him look up at Deran. “I meant it when I said I love you. I love you alright. I am not going to let Smurf or Pearce or fucking Jack tear us apart. I need you to get that through your thick skull.”

Deran looks at Adrian begging him to finally realize just how much Deran needs him. Adrian’s tears bubble over as he looks down at the floor. Deran leans forward and places his forehead against’s Adrian as he moves his hands to cup the side of Adrian’s head, holding him still. 

“Deran you barely look at me anymore. You don’t trust me and it feels like you only talk to me when you don’t have any other choice. Why are you still trying to help me? How can you still love me?” Adrian starts and looks up at Deran. He can see the moment when Adrian finally breaks. “I didn’t know it then, but I know it now. I fucked up so bad Deran. I am putting your family at risk, that is what is going on here right? Even if I never say a word, I will always be a risk.” He cries out, his fingers grasping Deran’s elbows. Almost like he is scared to go any higher, like he isn’t allowed too. 

“I won’t let anything happen to you.” Deran promises running one of his hands down Adrian’s hair before going back to its original place. “I won’t let you die.”

Adrian lifts his head up, eyes begging for something. “Why though? Why go through all this trouble to save me?”

Deran is to the point of delirious, He doesn't know how else to make Adrian believe him. He chuckles out in despair. He cups Adrian’s cheeks forcing Adrian to look at him. To look him in the eye. “Damn Adrian what aren’t you getting? I will do anything for you. Do you know how many times you saved me? You fucked up Adrian but I was the fuck up remember. I was the one that was so far in the closet, so in denial that I couldn’t see past the next day. That I would go to such great lengths to hide it but yet sick enough to do anything to keep you. I was dying. You saying no that night, making me walking away. It saved me Adrian. You saved me that night and now it is my turn to save you.”

Adrian lets out a sob as he closes his eyes and falls into Deran’s chest. Deran hold him tight, shocked that he let all that out. It was something that was buried deep in him and he never thought he would admit any of that to anyone but here he was holding his scared lover telling him his deepest and most bare secret. 

“Deran.” Adrian starts but he breaths a harsh breath out and looks back up at Deran. “I-” he attempts but Deran can see him struggling for something.

“I am…. Deran I am scared. I don’t know what to do.” He finally admits as he looks at Deran. All the fear and regret that he has probably been holding spilling out of him. Deran grabs Adrian’s face again, holding it between his hands. Trying to portray the fierce protection he has towards this man. 

“Then let me handle it. I have a plan. I am getting everything we need. I just have one more job I have to do and then I will get you out of here alright. We can go to Australia, or France, or hell maybe we can even go to Belize again but we have to go ok and we can never come back.”

“Wait what are you talking about? Deran we can’t just leave. What about Jess? I can’t just disappear, she will never stop trying to find me. And what about you Deran! You can’t just leave. What about the Drop, what about your brothers? You can’t just leave them.” Adrian says shaking his head out of Deran’s hands in denial. 

“No no there has to be another way.” He begs as he sits back against the wall.

“There isn’t Adrian. This is the only way.” He answers back. He moves to sit beside him, crossing his feet from under him. 

He can see Adrian is heartbroken at the fact and he gets it. He doesn’t want to leave his brothers. The Drop, yes it was the first thing he did on his own away from Smurf but it wasn’t the first thing he ever loved. The Drop is replaceable. 

“I know it doesn’t mean anything now but Deran I never wanted any of this to happen. I am so sorry for everything. You shouldn’t have to do any of this.” He starts but clears his throat as it locks up with emotion and tears. 

“I mean, you shouldn’t have to leave your home for me.” Adrian whispers looking away from him again. Adrian feels nothing but shame for what he has caused. The pain that he has caused not only to Deran but to his sister to now. 

“I’m not.” He hears Deran answer with so much emotion Adrian has to look at him. He knows Deran won’t say anything else. He never knew two words can say so much but it does. 

“How can you forgive me after this?” Adrian whispers after trying to digest everything that has been spilled. 

“The same way you forgave me after everything I did to you.” He answers like it is the most easiest answer in the world. 

Adrian shakes his head as he leans back, lightly hitting the wall behind him and closes his eyes. Sometimes he couldn’t believe this man besides him. He blindly reaches for Deran’s hand, linking his fingers with the other man’s, desperately hoping the touch will not be brushed away. He can feel Deran’s eyes on him but he keeps his eyes closed. 

“Would you believe me if I told you I love you too?” He says in the dark, scared to open his eyes and see the answer. He wants Deran to believe him, to know he loves him so much. He feels Deran unlink their hands to move his arm over Adrian’s shoulder and pulls him close pressing his lips to Adrian’s temple then moves to links his other hand with Adrian’s. He feels the hot breath that Deran lets out before Adrian feels him nodding his head. Feels Deran nodding yes. 

The movement just makes Adrian squeeze his eyes harder to press the tears threatening to fall. He squeezes the hand linked with his as they sit there, wrapped up in each other closed off from the world in their glass shower. 

“What do we do now?” He whispers into the darkness. His head is laying on Deran’s shoulder as Deran continues to keep his arm wrapped around Adrian’s shoulder. Like a layer of protection. 

“Well I have made my choice. Now it is time to make yours.” Deran answers. Adrian knows what his answer is. It is crystal clear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone enjoyed it. Love these boys and want to be hopeful but it does look really really bleak. 
> 
> Come talk to me on Tumblr. @Hugsfree-Hugme

**Author's Note:**

> Part two is coming soon. This one will contain Adrian and Deran. 
> 
> Come rant, vent, and talk to me on Tumblr: @Hugsfree-Hugme


End file.
